Article - Building Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Begins with You

 It takes one to touch one

Get educated about infant and pregnancy loss

 

By Sharee Moore

 

Grief snuck up behind me and put a knife in my back. It caught me off guard, spun me around and landed me flat on my face. 

 

My baby was dead and there was nothing anyone could do or say to change the horrible truth. Initially, family and friends rushed to my aid. There were cards, e-mails, phone calls and hugs.  Within two weeks, all the commotion slowed to a halt. 

 

In a month, friends and acquaintances acted as though nothing happened. My husband and I were alone in our grief. After three months, most people expected me to have moved on.  By the end of the year, I believed I was crazy because I couldn’t conform to others’ grief schedules.

 

www.MedicalNewsToday.com states that more than 4 million babies across the globe die each year. In the U.S., annually, another 800,000 pregnancies end in miscarriage, states a transcript of Sound Medicine, Indiana University School of Medicine’s radio broadcast.

 

With such a widespread problem, infant and pregnancy loss awareness should be a top priority for our society and the medical community. To meet this need, in 1988, former President Ronald Reagan proclaimed the month of October Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.

 

The following is a list of suggestions you can use today to increase sensitivity and make a difference in one hurting parent’s life this month and beyond:

 

10 tips for families and friends

·        Allow the bereaved parent to grieve in their own way and don’t forget that dads hurt, too.

·        Never advise a parent to “get over it,” “move on,” or “don’t cry.”

·        Never “empathize” by sharing a story about your dead pet, grandmother or Uncle Lester. It just isn’t the same.

·        Never say “If there is anything you need, call me.” He or she won’t be fully functional and will have zero energy to make or remember phone calls.

·        Offer your help by making strong, specific suggestions like: Allow me to help with your laundry, cooking, planning of the memorial service, informing others of the family’s loss, paying the bills, providing or arranging childcare for surviving children, etc.

·        Use kind phrases like: “I’m so sorry,” “I can’t imagine your pain,” “my heart breaks for you,” “I don’t understand how you feel, but I’m willing to listen,” “I don’t know what to say,” “I love you.” For the most part, sit quietly and listen.

·        Know the signs and symptoms of suicide and depression; don’t hesitate to demand professional help.

·        Write down and acknowledge the baby’s name, birth and death dates.  To forget is heartbreaking.

·        Expect your loved one to relapse during the weeks leading up to the expected delivery date, one year anniversary and first birth date. Be supportive and know this relapse is normal now and in years to come.

·        Get informed about the grief process! Buy or borrow a book about infant and pregnancy loss.

 

For medical professionals

·        “It,” “fetus,” “fetal demise,” “GBS baby,” “SIDS case,” “aborted fetus” and other medical jargon are unacceptable terminology in the parent’s presence. Instead use the baby’s name or terms like “baby boy,” “baby,” “little one” or similar.

·        Patient care involves the physical and mental.  Don’t get so busy tending to the physical that you avoid taking the time to just be there and listen.

·        Talk to the patient about what they can expect to see, feel and hear before, during and after a miscarriage or stillbirth delivery. Describe how the baby will look and what the parent can expect from labor pain and the procedure for delivery.

·        Never just hand a stillborn baby to his mother without cleaning and swaddling the baby in a blanket. Offer to take pictures.  The parents will value these pictures later.

·        Don’t take the baby away until the parents give permission. This is the last opportunity to parent their child.

·        At follow-up visits, acknowledge their loss and let them know you have not forgotten.

·        As a general practice physician, never try to give advice outside your area of expertise. It is insulting to your patient.

·        At routine appointments, never become so detached that you rattle off questions about the patient’s loss as if it were an everyday occurrence.

·        It’s okay to cry with or for your patient.

 

Although thousands of grief support resources are available now more than ever before, don’t underestimate the impact one person can make. Get educated about infant and pregnancy loss, show compassion and reach out to the hurting.

 

Making a difference starts with you and me.

 

Sharee Moore is the mother of three angels, a bereavement counselor and author of “Stolen Angels: 25 Stories of Hope after Pregnancy or Infant Loss.” She can be reached at momax3angels@yahoo.com.